Strange and Unknown

Here is a funny little spam I received:

Don't want to buy unknown them at strange stores?

They have the recipe, just buy it

We work all the drugs you need to recover your health at low prices...

Use this domain for navigating to navigate our store...

getmanhealth {DOT} com

Yes, that's right, I don't want to buy "unknown them" at "strange stores". I would much rather buy "unknown them" from extremely strange internet stores. Really now, I never took a marketing class in my life but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in some textbook, there are a few basic rules and a couple of them may go something like this:

1. If you're trying to sell something, it may be moderately helpful to mention what you're selling in a more specific way than "unknown thems."
2. If you're trying to draw a favorable comparison to your competition, than do your best to compare to them favorably. In other words, if you're trying to lure people from "strange stores", then don't be a freaky weirdo spammer!!

Let me know if you get any good deals when you are "navigating to navigate their store."

Free Dell Laptops - From Latvia?

Ok, this one has me completely confused. What the hell is with the crazy accents? Am I supposed to think that this message is from Dell Latvia or some country that uses an odd mix of English and Baltic/Slavic words?

DELL
Láptöps

WE NÉÉD YOUR HÉLP!!!

We are GíVíNG AWAY DÉLL XPS LÄPTÖPS in return for úser féédbáck.

Clíck to Select Your Laptop Color!

Don't Forget About Your Kalamazoo Bank Account!

Writing spam isn't easy. Everyone thinks that it's the best job in the world - just sit back and watch the money roll in. However, sometimes you just run into spammer's block and what's a spammer to do? In this case, you go to your trusty fallback, the Kalamazoo Bank message. Because, you know, out of the millions of people you're spamming, there's bound to be at least one customer of Kalamazoo Bank that's gonna fall for this, maybe even two. Never mind that you could use Chase Bank or Bank of America or any other bank that has more than ten customers. Writing spam all day is boring enough, might as well have some fun. The kicker is the URL domain of "updateid-xpmptpmowt.com" in clear text. Now that's just damn lazy.

We'd like to inform you that your Secure Messages Center has 1 new message. Please login to your Online Banking and visit the Secure Message Center section in order to read the message.

Please click on the reference below to initiate the verification process, and re-confirm your membership details.

http://kalamazoo.county.updateid-xpmptpmowt.com/

................................................................
(The Message Center contains only important information about your account and online banking.
................................................................

About This Blog

Everyone's experienced it at some point in their life. No, I'm not talking about walking around with your fly unzipped or Indian food that gives you diarrhea or even bad sex with a partner with bad body odor. I'm talking about opening your email to find hilarious spam, our modern day poetry. Sometimes, you get something in the mail that makes you say, "Are you kidding me? Are these people for real? Someone is actually gonna click on this?!" To the new age poets responsible for these moments, I salute you. I commend and extol you. But most of all, I dedicate this blog to you - this shrine to the postmodern haiku. To those readers who wish to contribute, please send tips to tonicguard-wackyspam(at)yahoo.com.